After my previous post, I continued looking through that particular journal and found this entry, which I think is equally as important, and gives some clarity to the Despair post.
December 30, 2015 1:33 am
I’m on a path to self destruction. I’ve been on this path since high school, I think. Maybe longer?
So many emotions have been surfacing over the past, I don’t know, six months or so? Even more so the past couple weeks… since the assault. I haven’t written about it yet. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I only pretend to be brave to save face. It’s a conditioned response, I think?
I don’t think I’ve written about any of my tragedies really. Ignoring them, or glossing over all the painful, horrible,destructive shit storm of events that has plagued my life over the past few years, does not deserve to be glossed over. It deserves attention. I haven’t been dealing with my problems, I’ve been ignoring them. For years. Years, I have been ignoring all the mental pain and anguish that comes along with physical pain and destruction. It’s made me crazy. It’s made me a complete lunatic. I’m out of my goddamn mind.
Now that I’ve decided to deal with these things, I’m bubbling over. The sexual assault hasn’t made things any easier.
Every time I feel like I’m finally getting it, I’m standing on my own two feet again, I get hit with something even worse. Am I creating these disasters for myself?
I’m bringing all this destructive negativity on myself?
I’m doing something wrong. I have to be. It’s too many bad things happening in such a short period of time. I have to be doing it myself. Why? Why am I trying to destroy my life? Why do I make myself feel so bad? I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want to be negative. I don’t want to be this version of myself. It sucks. It’s not fun. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to be fucking tragic.
Where do I go from here? I would run away from myself.
I don’t want to be that. What do I want to be?
I want to be fun.
I want to be nice.
I want to be loved.
I want to be secure.
Secure with myself, secure financially…
I’ve been destructive for way too long. It’s time to stop now. I have to for my own good.
I told N. That I feel like I’m dismantling. I felt like such an idiot saying that out loud. I do feel that way though. I feel like I’m going through some weird change, mentally. I’m crumbling. I’m the biggest mess I’ve ever been in my life.
When I first moved to Ypsi, I decided to allow myself to cry. Anytime I feel like crying, I let myself cry. The more I stop trying to suppress it, the easier it has become to cry. But how can I stop? I’m crying constantly. Years and years of holding back my sadness is now gushing out of my face at record speed.
I need to just cry it out.
I can’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping. I’m just up all night. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, like maybe there’s something wrong with me.
It was really hard to write that. Putting that down on paper makes me feel weird. I tried explaining it to N, but I don’t think he understood.
I feel like I’m a baby, just been hatched. RAW. Completely exposed and vulnerable. I feel like I’ve been pushed up out of my shell and now I don’t know what to do with myself? Everything just seems so much smaller and insignificant- by evertything I mean work, pretty much. It just doesn’t seem as important anymore. After everything that happened, both jobs seem very insignificant. I’m ready to move from Detroit. I need to make the final split and cut the cord.